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MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH

S AND M AND DIGRESSIONS

By Jerry Juszczyk

Tom entered the bar, staked out a corner suitable for active cruising and gingerly lit a cigarette. He looked like he had just walked out of Drummer magazine a gorilla's chest, obsidian hair and Omar Sharif moustache, topped off with the ever electrifying macho costume, the obligatory flannel shirt and tight, bulging jeans.

I've always had S and M fantasies, but was never able to muster the courage to act them out. No doubt, for the same reasons few of us realize any sexual fantasy the built-in cultural inhibitions. But now, I had a chance.

Tom hadn't noticed me yet. I knew a lot about him. A close friend had tricked with him a few months back and related they both had shared in an endless string of sexual theatrical serials, lasting hours. I was intrigued, not only by Tom, but by domination, humiliation, etc.

submission,

I've never been able to get into genuine pain. For all the years I've had my S and M fantasies, it was the anticipation of either giving or receiving imaginary pain that was the turn on. Being "forced" to have sex is titillating as is the "debasement" which accompanies it. Psychiatrists propose all kinds of theories for this development from an inverted Oedipal complex to a traumatic childhood experience. But in the end, all of this speculation is irrelevant. You are what you are and if you've got only one life, jettison the theory, the "whys" and the "hows" and just live it!

I'm not particularly adept at cruising. Somehow I felt foolish. standing opposite Tom and "strutting my stuff." So, instead, I opted for a friend and the dance floor, a perfect arena for conveying my intentions. As for years I had repressed any action on my fantasies, I effectively sublimated those energies into dance, developing subtle movements implying the scenario I sought. It worked! As

I left the dance floor, Tom approached me.

a

While it is unfortunate that I waited so many years to do what I really wanted to do, I consider myself lucky in that orientationwise, I'm "switch-hitter." Which is to say, given the appropriate environment, I can be either dominant or submissive. S and M always scared me, though. Only within the past two years have I realized it's all theatre and limits and ditions are set by the participants long before the home turf is reached. And unless one is a fairly good judge of character, there is a certain element of risk, but ironically that seems an essential preliminary ingredient.

con-

My heart was racing...We introduced ourselves and I suggested we move to an area. of the bar where conversation was easier. When unusually excited, I have a penchant for being ultra-verbal. I launched into a monologue telling Tom

exactly what I was looking for and how I was an inexperienced, petrified novice. He listened thoughtfully and said, "People make sex out to be much more than it is. Most of us are into B-flat sex. But then there's creative sex." "Let's go home," he added with a smile, "and I'll hang you by your toes from the chandelier."

The conversation during our journey home dealt less with sex than with our life experiences, on coming to grips with ourselves, relationships, feminism and abortion. I was amazed at how gentle Tom was. He reaffirmed my belief that physical images can only give superficial impressions. How could such a muscular stud who could rape me with ease show so much compassion and humanity?

After a couple of joints and nervous twitching (mostly on my part), Tom and I began our fantasy exchange. It was exhilirating, if initially a bit awkward. First, I was to pretend I was straight, wanting to be seduced, but resistant, finally

giving in. As I did him, he encouraged, "That a boy, do it good..."

boot

As the morning progressed (all five hours of it), we took turns creating spontaneous oneact spectacles. He was the jock as I oiled him up in the locker room...I was a captured soldier on the battlefield, forced to undergo a series of "tortures" and "ego destruction" as the means toward revealing classified information...He was the trainer and I, the submissive fetishist...! was bound and gagged after breaking into his apartment (ala P.S. Your Cat Is Dead) ...He was the drill sergeant...I was forced into "dehumanizing" acts, being spanked, acting like a dog, sucking doorknobs and displaying myself for whatever pleasures "my master" had in store for me...

Many people think kissing feet and rimming are humiliating, but having someone twice your size picking you up and carrying you is much more so, believe me...Having denim shorts torn off en-route to "rape" has become so ritualized that it's almost macho in itself; but how about being "compelled" to wear a pair of red tights. I don't know what was redder, my face or the hose... I wonder how many people wore them before me...Being "raped" on a motorcycle has become by now almost as boring as Balzac but while sitting on the toilet? What glorious embarrassment!...It's nice to have towels and wash cloths to clean off the mess after having sex; but I spent a lot of ego cleaning up with my own rasping...And on and on...

Never once did we cross the threshold into pain. What was paramount were the costumes: denim jackets, denim cut-offs, boots, military paraphernalia and the available accessories, rope, Johnson's baby oil, KY, Locker-Room Aroma and grass. We slid into one role after another, adapting our improvisational script to each demanding fantasy, building and struggling towad an orgasmic crescendo...At 8 A.M., after gentle, "B-flat" caresses, we fell asleep...

PAGE 14

There are many implications and seeming contraditions in S and M sexual behavior. As a

humanist and a gay-rights activist, many may ask how I reconcile the supposed "antihumanness" of S and M and the movement for universal respect I work diligently toward for all minorities. I can only answer that sexual behavior is a complex phenomenon. Research on sexuality to date has been limited. I know, however, what I fantasize about is inherently separate from my behavior and thoughts on the job and in my daily interactions with others. In addition, I have learned that trust and respect exist more in S and M sex than in any other shared experience I am familiar with. Mature, consenting S and M sex demands it.

I look forward to the day when we can all share our fantasies -S and M or otherwisewith our sex partners without being ostracized as repulsive lepers.

I feel as if I've come out of the cloest a second time. I am closer to the ever-elusive sexual goal of self-actualization.

At 12 P.M. Tom and I awoke. We did it all over again until 4. It was hot, sweaty, delicious, fun, and yes, liberating...